I'm Half Alive but I Feel Mostly Dead
by notorrious
Summary: That no matter what, he would never be able to move on. To love another. He couldn't. It was always going to be her. Even if it wasn't always him.


I'm Half Alive But I Feel Mostly Dead

AN: Random one-shot that just came out of nowhere. Just trying to ship Stefan x Happiness which turned into Stelena. I hope he doesn't sound too dependent on Elena. Based off of You Were Meant for Me by Jewel. Review and let me know what you think!

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He's sitting, waiting at the Trevi Fountain. Remembering the first time he was here, with his best friend, Lexi. It's nearing two in the morning and he's waiting for Italian police to question why he's out so late, alone. But he's always been alone. Ever since he told her to be happy, with his brother. Years and years ago. Right after she turned. When she started to live the life she never wanted, the life he didn't want her to live. Since then, it was traveling to the wonders of the world, living the life he dreamed, they dreamed. The one he thought, hoped, they would live together.

He hadn't seen anyone from Mystic Falls in years. Caroline and Tyler were playing cat and mouse, with Klaus popping up every few years. Matt, Jeremy, Bonnie and Alaric had all been dead for decades. He hadn't kept track of her and his brother. It hurt too much. To think of them, his brother ending up with the girl. His girl. He hadn't been back to Mystic Falls since he left, always careful to avoid the town where everything started, where they fell in love, where she chose the other. He'd even seen Katherine a few times, her attempting to convince him she was the one for him. That it was always him. But they both knew she wasn't, knew he wasn't. Wasn't the right doppelgänger. Wasn't the right brother.

He wonders sometimes. About the what ifs. What if she chose him, what if he never turned. The one that hurts the most is what it would be like to have been human again. To grow old, to change. To have gotten married, raise a family. He wanted kids once upon a time. He thought he would have made a great father, teaching his sons to be men and his daughters to be proper young women. That dream ended with Katherine. Still, he wanted the life he could never have. To have lived the life she wanted, the way she wanted. The life he wanted her to have, even if it meant it was a life without him. He wanted her to be happy, raise beautiful babies with a man who didn't know about the supernatural, a man who didn't know about the Salvatores. Instead, they were destined to live forever. Her, with the other brother. Him, alone.

Sometimes he wish he could have been selfish. Told her how much he wanted, needed her. Tell her about the kind of life they could live together, now that her heart no longer beat. But he couldn't. It was always her choice. He thought it would kill him, her choice. He was wrong, it was worse. He felt desolate, shattered, a shell of the person he used to be. The person he was with her. So he left. Even with her pleading to stay, that she needed him to stay, he couldn't. Couldn't stay and live in the house where she would make love to a different Salvatore. He made his deal with his brother. He said his goodbyes, told her to be happy and left Mystic Falls without looking back. It no longer felt like home. Home was wherever she was.

He left, tried to find a new home. But nothing fit. Nothing felt right without her by his side. He was left to wander the world, doing whatever he wanted. Usually ending up thinking, like tonight. Wondering about what his life would have been like before. What it would be like to love again. He tried to keep her out of his head but he couldn't. Every time he closed his eyes, there she was. Laughing and smiling up at him like he was t he best thing she's ever seen. He needed distractions. He had tried to date. If you could call it dating. Tried random nights in strange beds, faceless, nameless women. But every time, her face came to him. The same beautiful face, smiling and laughing. It almost taunted him. That no matter what, he would never be able to move on. To love another. He couldn't. It was always going to be her. Even if it wasn't always him.

He glanced around, looking at the closed shops, the random passerby who's steps seemed to get faster as they passed him. The strange man, sitting at the fountain in the dead of night. He wouldn't hurt them though. He controlled the lust, the urge to drain until there was not a drop of blood left. Though sometimes, he thinks, it would have been easier to go back to being a ripper. One with no remorse. No feelings. To be a man of the shadows, to prey, to hunt, to kill. Live a life where he didn't care who he hurt, didn't care about anyone but himself. Didn't love.

Or it would have been easier to just end it. He thought about it sometimes. What it would be like to take off his ring and just walk into the light. Ending a life he shouldn't have started in the first place. Maybe it would be easier, rather than living a life of pain, a life alone. But no matter what, he couldn't. He still held onto the sliver of hope that one day she would come back. She was what made life living. They could finally spend eternity together. He felt stupid for believing it. She was only a memory, a dream, a part of his life he could never regret. No matter how much pain and hurt it caused, there was so much love once. Love he could never forget. Love he would never experience again.

He wonders what they're life would have been like together. If they would be happy. He thinks they would, ever so in love with each other, bringing out the best in each other. He would have showed her the world, go anywhere and everywhere she asked. He could never say no to her. If she shot him those puppy dog eyes, he was a goner. He only wanted to make her happy. He wishes he would have been enough to make her happy.

He questions what he would do if she came waltzing back into his life, acting like she never left. He would be angry, upset with her for picking his brother, for not realizing they were meant to be sooner. But he couldn't let her walk away. He would take her and never let go, and finally they would share the life they were destined to, together. But instead, she was living that life with the blue-eyed brother.

He didn't know what she had been doing, if she was happy. Happy with his brother. It hurt too much to know they were together, would hurt more to know what exactly they had been doing the past hundred years. Him, 265 years old and had nothing to show for it. Nothing that mattered, he didn't have her. She wasn't a prize to win, but a partner in love, a partner in life. The only one that mattered. He misses her. The way she laughed, how she looked as she awoke from sleep, how she smiled every time he gave her that look. The memories tortured him, day in and day out. No matter what, he couldn't stop thinking about her. He tried, and tried. But he couldn't. She was in his head, in his heart, for the rest of his life. For the rest of eternity.

He wonders if she's accepted becoming one of them, a vampire. For the longest time, he knew she couldn't. She never wanted to be one. After Esther turned her, the day on the hilltop, overlooking the valley, replayed over and over again, as on a loop in his mind. She needed him and his brother then. The Salvatores: to teach her about control, about how to live when she wasn't really living anymore. She struggled, slipped up, hated what she become, what she never wanted to be. He liked to think he helped her see the beauty of being a vampire, the same way she did to him. But she still picked his brother anyway. To spend the rest of eternity with his brother.

He misses his brother. The brothers never had been apart for so long. Even when he was a ripper, it never went more than thirty years. Now it was more than three times that. No matter what, he couldn't stay mad at him. It wasn't his fault that she fell in love with him, no matter how much he wanted to blame him for stealing her away. But he didn't. He just fell in love with her, like he did. He couldn't think of them together. Only that he would keep her safe, make her happy. Give her the life she wanted, the life she never wanted but had anyway. He hoped his brother showed her everything this world had to offer. He hopes they're happy. That, at least, if he can't give her the world, his brother could.

He wonders if it was fate. That the first doppelgänger chose, and the second, the one he wanted, the one he loved, chose his brother. He wants to laugh at the irony. At the fact that still, he ended up alone and his brother got the affection of the second, while the first, even though she didn't admit it, still wanted the older brother. The Petrova doppelgängers falling for the same Salvatore. Except this time, it wasn't him. His brother deserved to be loved. Deserved to be happy. Apparently he was always destined to walk the world alone. He thinks he should probably start to accept it, but he couldn't. Not when she was out there somewhere.

He wanted the world once. Wanted to seize the day, live an amazing life. But it was barely a life at all without her. Seeing the world, never staying anywhere more than a few weeks. Never letting himself be happy. Happiness was unattainable, out of reach. Not when she wasn't there. He wonders if he looks happy. Probably not. Just the stranger roaming the beautiful cities of the world alone.

It was his last night in Rome. He had always loved it here. Made him feel closer to his heritage, like he was a real man, a real Salvatore. But he couldn't stay. His time was up. He couldn't let himself fall in love with the city, stay and make a life. He couldn't. Refused to do that to himself, to trick himself into happiness when he was only happy with her. He lifted himself onto his feet, glancing back at the beauty of the lighted fountain, saying his own goodbye, until next time. He thought of what cities he'd visit next. Maybe Athens, maybe Singapore.

Suddenly, he felt her. It seemed impossible, after all these years, he could still tell when she was around. Just like her, he could always tell when she was near. They were connected. Souls intertwined. It couldn't be. She couldn't be around, just his mind deceiving him. A flash went by, with her unmistakeable laughter. The words couldn't even fall from his lips, stuck frozen on the tip of his tongue. He couldn't see her. But he knew, he knew she was near.

"Stefan," a whisper.

"Elena."

He heard her, and slowly turned, seeing her angelic face for the first time in years. Her eyes filled with tears, matching his own. He couldn't believe she was here. There was no way. "You're not real." His imagination tricked him, an illusion. His mind was finally getting to him. He turned and walked away, couldn't bear seeing her smiling face even in his mind.

Suddenly she was in front of him, using her vampire speed to look him in the eye. He couldn't look. He kept blinking, thinking he'd open his eyes and she would be gone. Was she real? Or was this just a silly dream? His mind finally crumbling after years of yearning after her.

"Stefan." The way his name fell so easily from her lips, the way he knew no one else could say his name like that, like it was a gift...it had to be her. It was real.

He still couldn't convince himself, she wasn't here. She was off living somewhere far away, somewhere with his brother. "Elena?" He was crying now, he was sure of it even though he couldn't feel his face, feel his body. Numb at the thought of her presence. She reached out to touch his face, wipe away his tears. "Hi stranger." Her own tears were streaming down her face, glistening in the dim lighting of the fountain.

Somehow, he regained thought and took her hands off of his face. He couldn't breathe. He was suffocating. Her being near, being here. With him. "What...what are you doing here Elena?" He had to be strong, had to keep it together.

"Stefan, it's you. I miss you."

He wanted to laugh. No matter how much he missed her, how much he craved her, how much he wanted to take her in his arms and never let go, he couldn't. Not until he had his answers. "Why Elena? Why now? Sick of Damon?" It was a cheap shot and he knew it, he loved his brother, he did. But he would forever wonder why he wasn't good enough, why she didn't choose him. His tears were silent now, flowing down his face even. He couldn't stop them if he tried. Even if he was cruel to her, seeing her, being near her, breathing the same air as her, for the first time in years was a gift and he wasn't going to throw it away. His anger concealed his hurt, his surprise, his happiness.

She cried as she took in his face, his words. She knew she couldn't take back the damage she's done, the hurt she caused to both of them. Just like her ancestor, hurting the Salvatore Brothers seemed to be something she was skilled at. But she missed him. It took her years to figure out why there was a gaping hole in her heart until one day, she realized, it's because he wasn't in her life anymore. That's the day she ended things with Damon, decades ago, and began her search for the right one, the right brother. "I've looked for you. Searched the world but every time I've gotten close, you've slipped out of my grasp. Hidden until I heard another sighting, another spotting. Damon and I haven't been...Damon and I for years. Not when I realized that it's you. It's always been you. I want you. I love you, Stefan."

He thought he was going to be sick. It was too much. She was too much. He couldn't speak, silent from the words she told him. That it's always been him, that she loves him. His control was thrown in the fountain at this point, gone forever. It didn't matter though, not when she was here. When they were together.

Before she could speak, tell him about how she's spent her lifetime searching for him, persuade him to love her again, his lips slammed down onto hers. It felt like coming home, being safe. Their tears falling onto their lips, happy tears, happy at a reunion. Happy they were together again, forever this time.

He couldn't wait, his resolve had crumbled into a pile of ashes and if he didn't get her to bed soon, he would die. He needed to feel her, needed to show her how much he missed her, how much he loved her. She had the same thing in mind, she needed to show him how sorry she was, how ecstatic she was that she found him. When she broke the kiss, she gave him a look, a look that screamed "Take me to bed or lose me forever."

He didn't need to be asked twice. Never did. He could never say no to her, even after all of these years, especially now. No matter how upset he was that she didn't choose him, it didn't matter. Not when she was finally there, finally ready to have a forever with him. He used his vampire speed to the balcony of his hotel suite overlooking the fountain. He decided to splurge for his last night, he's glad he did.

Once he placed her on her feet, her lips were back on his, never seeming to get enough. Their clothes were gone in a flash and she laid on the bed, in all of her beauty, waiting for him. He kissed her and slowly moved down her body, her moans egging him on, if she was going to be like this, he wasn't sure how long they would last. His face pressed against her stomach, couldn't believe he was doing this, they were doing this. Again. Finally. "Just don't leave." Afraid to look her in the eye, afraid that he'd wake up from this amazing dream.

She pulled him up, looked him directly in the eye and smiled, a soft smile that he vividly remembered was only for him. "Never again baby, you're stuck with me forever, I love you," sealing her words with a kiss once he whispered "I love you too."

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The bright sunlight pouring through the curtains awoke Elena from a peaceful slumber, one of the best she's had in years. After numerous rounds with hundreds of "I love you's" in between, the reunited couple fell into a deep sleep, legs intertwined, close enough for her to question where one of began and the other ended. She couldn't believe she was here, that she finally found him. She felt stupid for leaving him in the first place. She loved Damon, she did. But it was a different kind of love. Once she realized that they weren't meant to have forever, that her forever was with the other brother, it was too late. There were no traces of Stefan in America. Using her few vampire contacts, she searched everywhere. Read his old journals, trying to figure out where he would go but every time she found him, he slipped right through her fingers. Until last week. When she saw him, she had to pinch herself to make sure she wasn't dreaming. That he was really there. She promised herself that this time would be different, she wouldn't be the stupid teenage girl torn between two brothers. She'd be the strong vampire only truly in love with one amazing man.

"You're staring." His words pulled her out of her thoughts and back to high school, back when she was still human. Before she broke his heart. It felt like a dream, to really be back with him, to be happy with him. She couldn't help looking at him, he had always been gorgeous, always will be. She gave him that soft smile, the one only for him "I'm gazing."

He opened one eye to glance at her, hair fanned around the pillow, the slow sunlight causing her skin to glow, or maybe it was because of their love. "It's creepy." He knew it was the furthest thing from creepy. Not when they were finally together again. He loved it, loved that they were happy, loved her. He just loved teasing her.

"It's romantic." Except this time, she didn't wait for him to cover his face with a pillow, she rolled on top of him and greeted him with a searing kiss, which turned into multiple kisses and before she knew it, it was late afternoon and the lovers still hadn't left the bed, instead preferring to lay and talk, telling each other stories.

After a lapse in silence, she spoke again, finding the courage to say what she had been afraid to. "I never should have left you." She couldn't help the tears that came. No matter how happy she was they were _finally_ together again, she hated herself for walking away, for wasting time, for leaving him heartbroken.

He hated seeing her cry. He gently took her face in his hands and brought their gazes together. "Oh baby, it's okay. We just have a lot of time to make up for. I love you Elena Gilbert. No matter what. Always and forever." He wanted to tell her how much he missed her, how broken he was traveling alone. But he couldn't. None of it mattered anymore, not when they were finally together again. She cried more, happy tears this time. Happy that this beautiful man could forgive her for letting him go, for wasting time. "I love you Stefan Salvatore, so much."

It took them years to get back to that place, to how they were when he was the only vampire in the equation, but they did it. It took sometime, to figure out what had changed even though most had stayed the same. They fought, over little things but at the end of the day, they forgave each other, were always together. She showed him all she's learned, her self-control, the beauty of love. He showed her the world, his way, and he thinks that in the end, they won. They got their eternity together.

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AN: I know the end has a totally different tone than the beginning but I hope it wasn't too cheesy and you liked it! Review :)


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